Fear No Fear

(All scripture from the NET, netbible.org, all rights reserved)

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.
Psalm 147:3 (emphasis added)

A broken heart is something we all have experienced in one severity or another. Everyone has their tale of pain. Their hopes dashes. Their joy stolen. It is one of the constants of the human experience that in some way we have all been broken hearted. Some are only bad for awhile. Some never seem to go away. Time heals NOTHING. Time is a shackle that makes loss heavier. But we CAN be healed. Jesus made the way for us. We don’t HAVE to feel this way. We CAN be free. Free and un-scarred.

I lost my child. My first baby girl. We lost her mere months after welcoming her. I have a lot of good memories of her. They still make me smile. Things she liked. Weird though some of them were – I will never understand how the bathroom fan was so soothing. I could talk for hours about her and the experiences we had with our other two kids. But then we lost her. And the world changed.
I remember begging Elohim. Begging. To make the dead child not dead. To bring her back. It was fear. Loss. Grief. It never crossed my mind to pray for her to be raised like Jesus raised the little girl (Mark 5:21-43). I never thought about my rights as a believer. I never thought about what Adonai wanted in that situation. I never gave Him permission to move. I never listened to Him. Neither did anyone else we knew. Oh they prayed, but raising my daughter from the dead was just not on the table. I am and have never been bitter about that. We just didn’t know. There was no TRUST for that.

It changed my family. I could barely function for many days. We went through the motions. One of my kids didn’t recover for years. I don’t know what sits in his heart. Grief was so palpable that there would times I could hardly breathe. It didn’t fade. It was raw and open and I lived with it. We got her cremated because there were no other options. I couldn’t even afford that. It was a gift. I was not walking in any kind of victory. The mortician lied to us, though I understand why they did. I am not bitter to them. I have forgiven them. We moved on.

I had some of her ashes in a locket. I still have it. For YEARS I couldn’t leave the house unless it was around my neck or in my pocket. I would have anxiety attacks about it. Stupid, really. Like ridiculous. The ashes were now just a symbol of her. She wasn’t IN them. Never had been. Never would be. She had been taken LONG before that point. I don’t think she even suffered. I didn’t BLAME Adonai, but I didn’t understand why it happened.

I went through a police investigation. There was a coroner’s report. Everything proper was done. It was simply ‘one of those things’. No fault was found. Nothing irregular was found. She was just a casualty of life. Now, I know what to do. Then, I didn’t. I was raw and bleeding for years. It derailed a burgeoning career. It changed where we lived. What furniture we had. What movies we would watch. I remember putting on the Disney cartoon Robin Hood (which had always been a favourite) and being so broken about the littlest rabbit girl (years older than mine ever got) that I ran to our room to sob for an hour. It was off my playlist for half a decade.

I was broken and the smallest things set me off. Jesus didn’t want me like that. The Father never intended for me to live like that. It was NOT the plan. EVER. I was supposed to be victorious. An overcomer like Jesus. IN situations, but not HAVING problems. Sure, they might not be pleasant situations – we are NOT promised smooth sailing. But if my strength is from the Lord (Psalms 121:1-2), and the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10), and Jesus is always with me (Matthew 28:20), and I can do all things in Him (Philippians 4:13); then why were there days I could barely put on my socks? Why were there days that I was so black only having other kids kept my wrist from being slit?

The truth was that although I BELIEVED in Adonai, I had no real TRUST in Adonai. I was one of those Lord, Lord people. “On that day, many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, didn’t we prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many powerful deeds in your name?’ Then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you. Go away from me, you lawbreakers!’” (Matthew 7:22-23). One day I opened my bible to Nehemiah and read it. Then Ezra. Then 1 Samuel. Then 2 Samuel. And then I got a different translation and read the whole thing. I got a different translation and read that one. And I started studying. I started investigating. I started SEEKING (Matthew 6:33). It changed everything.

I began to SEE what Jesus was talking about. I stopped being skeptical about way-out there things and checked them out for myself. I still don’t agree with everything I have heard, but I have looked into it myself and am open to further light being shed on it by the Holy Spirit. I got the Word in me and started to TRUST it. I have – and do – listen to hours upon hours of teaching by trusted ministers. I try out new people too. I listen to audio bibles. I read different translations. I have physical bibles and bible apps and I want more. I want to consume it all. I want to see all the different ways He tells His truth. It helps to have more than one translation so that you can see where someone cherry picks a scripture to try and make it say what THEY want and not what HE wants. It is a never-ending source of joy and interest and hope and love.

I can’t tell you the exact moment, but I got healed from my hurt. I think it was around four years ago. After about a decade of pain, it got time for her birthday. We’ve always done something for her birthday and the date of her death. This particular year, I asked Jesus to tell her happy birthday from me. And to give her something red. Maybe a balloon. It had been one of her most favourite colours. I don’t know if she is still a baby in heaven. I don’t know if she’s grown. I know when I see her I won’t care. I’ll either get to see her grow up or I’ll see her grown. The Father knows best and I trust Him. Jesus didn’t tell me what He said or what He gave her. I suspect flowers. But I KNOW that He did it. He smiled at me and gave her something special on her birthday.

I get wistful for her. I smile a lot about her. I’ve even shed a tear here or there – but only from an abundance of emotion. I don’t hurt anymore. There’s no pain. I know I won’t forget her, but there isn’t a desperation to remember. I enjoy the pictures I have of her. The memories. I don’t grieve. She isn’t lost. She’s just in the nursery while I work. I am healed. I am whole. Nothing missing. Nothing broken. I can discuss her without tears. I don’t sob. I have joy when I think of her. Just like when she was with me. She’s part of who I am. Part of our story as a family. We don’t forget, but we are not stuck in the past. We have engaged healing on it. Accepted what Jesus did for us. We are FREE.

“Now Jesus came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and went into the synagogue on the Sabbath day, as was his custom. He stood up to read, and the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and the regaining of sight to the blind, to set free those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:16-19). Jesus IS Messiah. He healed my heart to well you can’t tell it’s broken. My soul isn’t split. I don’t have a piece missing. He used the Word and renewed my mind so that I could understand what He did. What He offered. What’s possible. A weight was lifted and it isn’t coming back. EVER.

Jesus did it for me. He did it for us. He did it for you. You can engage it, if you’re willing. If you’ll let Him. He can heal your broken heart no matter WHAT broke it. No matter HOW many pieces it is in. All pain wiped away. No guilt. No shame. No anything negative. ONLY positive. Even if the situation is negative YOU won’t have any negativity. No depression. No anxiety. No fear. None of those feelings will exist. In their place you WILL have peace. He promises it. If you don’t know how that could be, that’s okay. HIS peace doesn’t depend on our understanding how it works (Philippians 4:7). It will guard your heart so that what was once broken doesn’t have enough of a sharp edge to do ANYTHING to you anymore. FREEDOM from broken hearts. He released that. Accept it. It is worth it. Let Jesus heal you like you were never broken in the first place. He WILL.

Daily Affirmation Jesus IS Messiah: Psalm 69:21

“They put bitter poison into my food, and to quench my thirst they give me vinegar to drink.” Death is hard enough without being thirsty. Thirst is worse than hunger because hunger can be tricked. We were designed to need water. So much about our bodies don’t work right when we are dehydrated. Messiah was to suffer emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Hurt to the point that He would be desperate for water, but would be tormented by only being given vinegar. “and offered Jesus wine mixed with gall to drink. But after tasting it, he would not drink it” (Matthew 27:34). The vinegar Jesus was offered was laced with gall to dull His senses. To dull what He was feeling. The torment He was going through. But Jesus refused it. He needed to feel it all. Experience it all. To stand fully in our place and pay for sin. Nothing else would open the door for us. Messiah was given vinegar in thirst. Jesus IS the Messiah!

Your Daily Confession of Jesus/Yeshua’s Identity:

Yeshua is the Christ, the Son of the living God.

Matthew 16:16b